Mistakes
by nechoco kitty
Summary: You only say it's not supposed to happen when it already has. Now it's too late to turn back. MaryMarshall. Rating exists for a reason. /currently DISCONT.
1. the time for regrets has come and gone

_43 ) A trap from which it will be hard to escape with dignity and honour. _

**[ the moment for regrets has come and gone ]**

It wasn't supposed to happen. Not like this. Not at all. _Never._

It wasn't supposed to happen, but it is. Like this_---oh, just like this---_and nothing Mary can say or do can take it back.

She isn't sure she wants to. She bites her lip, holds back the moan that's building up in the back of the throat.

Mary digs her nails into Marshall's shoulders until the skin gives way. He hisses against her ear at the pain and she is undone.

.'.'.

It doesn't take them long to shower, and it is far too soon when they've dressed and parted ways. Words are short and curt between the two; jokes and friendly teasing don't belong in that dark, quiet room.

Mary shuts the door behind her and guilt follows her to her car like a mocking shadow.

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**A/N:** This is what happens when SL gets her cable/internet back, watches the most recent episode of _In Plain Sight_ On Demand, and spends the rest of the time reading MxM fanfic while listening to Portishead. Like with most things, this will be updated sporadically if it is updated at all.


	2. secrets like stones to weigh you down

_Eyes I dare not meet in dreams_

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**[ secrets like stones to weigh you down ]**

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Mary won't look Raph in the face, can't meet his eyes for the life of her. She can only see her own guilt staring back, accusing, throwing barbed remarks in the form of concerned brown eyes. It hurts him---the not looking---and that only makes Mary feel worse.

_You've been a bad, bad girl, Mary._

"Do you want to talk about it?" He's trying, at least. Reaching out with hands she's too ashamed to take. Too afraid to touch. She's far too used to playing fast and loose with people to make any sort of worthwhile commitment.

Sure, Mary can give and give and give, have them take and take and take until she's dried up and hollow inside---she's used to that, known that since Dad left all those years ago---but she's not ready for what Raph expects of her. Mary isn't ready for the equalness, for the checks and balances and the give and take that Raph demands. She is used to being in control---the one in charge---and she feels this tightness around her skin every time her fiancé pushes for a compromise she knows he has every right to ask of her, but she can't help but fight tooth and nail every inch of the way.

_Maybe that's why..._ she begins, but she tramples the thought before it can finish itself. Wasn't it enough to betray Raphael in private? Did she have to do it in front of him as well?

"No, I _don't_ want to talk about _it._" Mary can't stop the venom from creeping in, not even after she told herself _enough, just stop, be honest with him for one goddamned second._

_But haven't I done enough? I told him, didn't I? Told him what I did---what Marshall and I do. I opened up. Isn't that enough?_

It isn't and she knows it. Raph knows it too, which is why he had been more and more insistent in dragging her out of the shell she'd constructed for herself. Which is why Mary is surprised when he backs down with only a defeated sigh. She hazards a glance at Raphael and sees him sitting at the edge of their bed---she's sitting on the toilet adjusting the ties on her shoes, though for the life of her she can't recall why---his face covered by his large hands, rubbing his eyes and temples as if he can't quite get his mind around the walking headache that is Mary Shannon.

_Well, _excuse _me_. It's unfair, she knows, to feel irritated with him, but it's much more palatable than the disgust she feels towards herself when she's around him. It's a bit strange for someone so used to lying, but then lies don't stay hidden forever. It doesn't take someone from WitSec to figure that much out.

"I'm sorry for---" Mary begins, at the same time Raph says, "Forget about it," shakes his head, and _leaves._

"Being such a bitch," she finishes lamely. She isn't surprised by the hurt---at the end of the day, she still loves Raph, she's still _attached_ to him in all sorts of ways that were more his doing than hers she thinks, and maybe therein lies the problem---but there's something in the inevitability that clings to his non-farewell that makes something ache inside.

_You've been a bad, bad girl, Mary. So, what are you gonna do 'bout it now?_

"I don't know."

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**A/N:** "The Hollow Men" by T.S. Eliot is love. I've joined the bandwagon only during the second season and wrote only after the season finale. Personally, I find Raph to be adorable, but Mary's actions towards him are less than romantic. Closer to abusive, actually, which is one of the reasons I kind of cringe when I see them on screen during those times. But enough of that.

Soundtrack went form Portishead, flirted briefly with Placebo, and settled on Nine Inch Nails. I'm counting down the hours for the inspiration to head towards PJ Harvey and VAST. **looks away**

By the way, most of my work is ala "hot off the press" fashion. Please let me know of any problems that might arise because of it. [/end transmission]


End file.
